Explaining death and bereavement

If you are explaining death to someone, choose familiar words that they can understand. This usually means:

• saying what has happened, for example: “they have died”
• not using words with double meanings, “we’ve lost them” or “they’ve gone away”

Religious words and ideas might be confusing and upsetting for some people. The idea of being ‘watched’ by the person who died may be scary if this is new to them.

They might find death easier to understand if they have known a person or pet who has died before.

Before someone dies

If you know a person is going to die, you may have a chance to speak to the person who needs to understand before it happens.

Talking early can help. Having more time to explain may help. If you are talking about your own death, more warning is usually helpful.

After someone has died

Find ways to help them to talk about who has died. For example, saying or reading something in the funeral service. Or they could:

• write a note
• light a candle
• make a book of memories of the person who died
• make their favourite cake on their birthday

It is common for people to ask more than once about the death of someone they know.

Try to answer every time, even when it is hard or you think they know and understand.

This could be because they:

• do not understand yet (people can take a long time to make sense of news that they are not expecting)
• want to check what they already know is still true

Talk about things you can do together. What might help will be different, depending on what the person likes and the situation. Include your feelings in how you talk.

Grief does not follow any order.

If you need to speak to someone right now

People feel and do things differently when someone they care about has died.

For example:

• being sad and crying
• being angry about being ‘left behind’
• being upset but not looking upset to other people
• finding it hard to sleep or sleeping more
• eating less or eating more
• finding it harder to remember
• not being able to do their usual tasks
• finding ways to be busy

If someone feels very sad or angry for a long time, it could be a good time to get support. This could include talking therapies.

If these services are not accessible to you, ask for the adjustments that you need.

Asking for adjustments

A lot of support is local. Social workers often know about local support networks.

Funeral directors can provide support, but this is usually for adults.

GPs can refer adults and children for counselling. You can take someone to your appointment if that will help.

Managing mental health

If you’re talking about your own death, think about family members and friends who could help explain.

Easy read guides

Everyone understands things in a different way. Try these resources:

Dealing with a bereavement, with easy read guides (Mencap)

Supporting bereaved people with learning disabilities (Sudden)

For children

Resources and support for children:

• Short animated films (Child Bereavement UK)
• Resources for children and families (Edward’s Trust)
• Books and resources (Child Bereavement UK)
• Books for and about grieving children (Marie Curie)
• Books for grieving children (Winston's Wish)